One might think that since this has been a fantasy of mine for so long, now that I have it in real life I would be ecstatic. I should be feeling all powerful, thrilled to have My sexual plaything just as I want him. And I am, though I think I'm still getting adjusted to it all Myself.
Last night, for about an hour, I allowed Myself to go all out. I allowed Myself to express My full power and authority over Buffy. She was meek, humbled, sexually inferior, and I was her Queen. It felt amazing, and yet this little part of Me felt that maybe I was pushing her too far- that perhaps I should back off lest it be too much for her to take.
As Luke and I so often do, we talked about the experience at length today. I think we both chalked it up to growing pains - we are both stretching ourselves further than we have in a while, and it can lead to emotions we aren't used to feeling. I need to trust that if Luke (Buffy) is pushed to far, he will use his safe word and not resent Me for anything done prior to that.
Weird emotions aside, it's been a lustful few days. I've been masturbating quite a bit, and fantasizing even more. I think about extreme things... things I barely feel comfortable mentioning to Luke. At this point he is so aroused that he is receptive to nearly anything, no matter how extreme. I even jokingly threw out there that maybe I would never let him enter Me again, and even that didn't seem to be a limit for him.
I like having him so malleable. It leaves Me free to explore My own sexuality. Like a kid in the proverbial candy shop, I'm free to try this, taste that, explore here and wander there.... until I decide what I want and how I want it. I don't have to worry about his needs, getting him off, letting him inside Me. I can selfishly appease My own. And though I do care for him very deeply, this feeling is very freeing.
Luke mentioned the other day that he thought more couples should be like this - maybe not like we are, but that the woman should control the man's orgasms. I think he has a point. I love knowing that Luke only experiences pleasure with Me, and only in the way I let him. I like that ultimately I have the authority to choose when, and if, he will be given release.
So yes, two weeks in and I'm still taking it all in, but each day it feels more comfortable, more normal. I hope that soon I can embrace My power fully and exploit the freedoms that I have. And I hope you will be along for the ride!
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