Day 14- Taking It All In

One might think that since this has been a fantasy of mine for so long, now that I have it in real life I would be ecstatic. I should be feeling all powerful, thrilled to have My sexual plaything just as I want him. And I am, though I think I'm still getting adjusted to it all Myself.

Last night, for about an hour, I allowed Myself to go all out. I allowed Myself to express My full power and authority over Buffy. She was meek, humbled, sexually inferior, and I was her Queen. It felt amazing, and yet this little part of Me felt that maybe I was pushing her too far- that perhaps I should back off lest it be too much for her to take.

As Luke and I so often do, we talked about the experience at length today. I think we both chalked it up to growing pains - we are both stretching ourselves further than we have in a while, and it can lead to emotions we aren't used to feeling. I need to trust that if Luke (Buffy) is pushed to far, he will use his safe word and not resent Me for anything done prior to that.

Weird emotions aside, it's been a lustful few days. I've been masturbating quite a bit, and fantasizing even more. I think about extreme things... things I barely feel comfortable mentioning to Luke. At this point he is so aroused that he is receptive to nearly anything, no matter how extreme. I even jokingly threw out there that maybe I would never let him enter Me again, and even that didn't seem to be a limit for him.

I like having him so malleable. It leaves Me free to explore My own sexuality. Like a kid in the proverbial candy shop, I'm free to try this, taste that, explore here and wander there.... until I decide what I want and how I want it. I don't have to worry about his needs, getting him off, letting him inside Me. I can selfishly appease My own. And though I do care for him very deeply, this feeling is very freeing.

Luke mentioned the other day that he thought more couples should be like this - maybe not like we are, but that the woman should control the man's orgasms. I think he has a point. I love knowing that Luke only experiences pleasure with Me, and only in the way I let him. I like that ultimately I have the authority to choose when, and if, he will be given release.

So yes, two weeks in and I'm still taking it all in, but each day it feels more comfortable, more normal. I hope that soon I can embrace My power fully and exploit the freedoms that I have. And I hope you will be along for the ride!

Day 11 - Struggling to Adjust

I would say I'm partially conditioned to attempt this.  Jade and I have always been in a D/s relationship.  In a future post I'll write about how we met and started on this journey together.  For now, suffice it to say we were incredible partners in love making.  In the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other.  I hungered for Jade.   I also knew Jade desired me equally and in a sexual context it gave me power, even as a submissive.  But as the sub, I had a great need to have Jade rule my sexuality.  In particular, I needed her to be in control of my orgasms.  From day one, she eagerly accepted the responsibility.  We were insatiable.  We made love every day, often several times a day.  

During our love making we often had the play of power struggle between man and woman.  Oddly, when I was inside her and feeling her body quake in anticipation of release, I held the high cards.  You see, I had learned how to make love for hours at a time and go days without orgasm.  But every time we made love she would eventually be the victor, leaving me hard and unfinished so I would be ready to make love again.  

It was fascinating watching Jade grow in her dominance.  In the beginning she felt guilty if I didn't cum.  She thought I would lose interest if I didn't.  Her previous husband watched a lot of porn and was a chronic masturbator.  But she quickly learned that I was different.  She could leave me unfinished but still be the center of my fantasies and masturbation by teasing me, giving me affection, and making sweet love.  We were both quite smug thinking how we had both found the most perfect and insatiable lover in each other.  In time, the guilt of not allowing me to cum faded.  Denial times began to stretch from days, to weeks, to even months on occasion.  

To most, my endurance would have been ideal.  Don't get me wrong, it was to Jade as well.  But in the deep recesses  of her mind, it was a double edged sword.  In love making I felt incredible strength as a man.  A large part of this I think is in having learned to master my own urges to orgasm.  Unlike most couples, our love making didn't mark its end by the man cumming.  More often than not it was from exhaustion.  Not climaxing made me powerful in bed.  Without details, many times Jade would be humbled by this and not feel as dominant.  I think it may be from this that Jade desored to experience a more absolute power.  And the only way to do so would be to deprive me of my power over her sexually as a man.  

I don't know if this makes sense to our readers.  As I sit here pondering my fate with an erection that I can't pascify through intercourse for the next year, I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me.  

I'm sitting here in a pink night shirt.  Next to me is my teddy bear, the only sexual outlet I'm freely permitted, and encouraged, to avail myself of.  Since her last post, Jade has been in a cerebral candy shop contemplating new rules.  She's telling me she would like my cumming over the next year to be without the pleasure of achieving orgasm.  She says she wants me dressed as a sissy and dribbling into a cup that I will have to drink from.  It's been 11 days since we made love and I had release.  I'm resisting my primal needs as best as I can, but I fear Jade wants me having sex with my bear as freely as I use to have with her.